Sex and relationship advice from Robin Smyth

Barging in on a sexual liaison is scarring enough, but having to listen to an unseen couple can be even more deeply disturbing. Especially in an otherwise quiet environment. I mean, you can shut your eyes, but it’s pretty hard to close your ears.

Having had my fair share of roommates over the years, I can say with the utmost sincerity that overhearing the sexual shenanigans of a friend is not the most pleasant auditory memory I have. I can recall more than one occasion trying to block out the sounds of bow-chicka-wow-wow while laying in bed alone, attempting to sleep.

I mean, it’s super awesome that people are getting down and getting it on, but do your roomies and neighbours a solid and throw on some camouflage sounds why don’t you? Shut the windows while you’re at it too; sound can carry a surprising distance.

In my opinion, it’s not hugely necessary to be raising the roof with screams and moans. Seems a little showy, no? If you’re at home and alone with your partner by all means, do what you will!

Obviously, when there are multiple tenants in a home, there will be occasions when having the premises to yourself simply isn’t an option. That’s when slightly elevated music or television volumes might be the way to go.

Many of us are parents and have to manage a sex life around the presence or wakefulness of children. The arrival of children in the home is usually when the art of surreptitious sex is developed. Or no sex, depending on how tired parenting makes you.

Anyway, do you have any clue how loud a lover you are? This is in no way a challenge for you to record a sexual encounter in order to assess your decibel level. Producing your own porn is something that should be done for fun, not analysis!

In order to help you assess your Richter scale rating, I have compiled a short and easy questionnaire. If your happen to respond yes to one or more of the following questions, it may be time to consider dialing down the volume:

  • Do you experience a sore and raspy throat after sex (from screaming)?
  • Have your friends and neighbours started calling your partner “Oh god” or “Harder”?
  • Do your pets run for cover when you and your partner slope off to the bedroom for a shagfest?
  • Does your partner sneakily attempt to cover your mouth during sex or insist on doggy style so your face is in a pillow?
  • Does your partner seem to suffer from short-term deafness after sex?
  • Do your roommates refer to you as “duuuude” while wearing facial expressions of shocked horror combined with grudging respect?
  • Have you ever been greeted by a round of applause on exiting the bedroom?

If you have answered one to three yeses, you’re probably on the borderline of shagging like a rock star. From four to six, please consider sound proofing your bed chamber out of respect for the rest of humanity. If you have a total score of seven, you may wish to either contact the Guinness Book of World Records to advise of your record breaking sexcapades. Or STFU.

Your choice and mon congrats!

Robin Smyth has contributed to newsletters, business publications, inter-company webpages and blog sites. She has reported on multiple genres engaging a variety of styles and is known for her one draft, no edits style of writing. Follow her on Twitter @RobinDS3.